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Joke of the Day

"What do you call rude fungi? Shiit-talking mushrooms"

"Friend: How's the wine? Me: It's exCHARDONNARY Friend: *taking my glass away* No."

"Why is this election historic? It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office."

"Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? Because he was General Electric."

"""There are Nutella stains all over the silverware."" It can't be me. I lick them before I keep them inside."

"I'll never be the girl who walks in the room and commands everyone's attenHEY! Can you at least finish reading this tweet?!"

"My 5 yr old son was just imprisoned for skipping naptime He was resisting a rest"

"She was upset when I gave her 4 quarters rather than dollar... It has the same value. It doesn't make any cents."

"Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents."

"How do you tell if a cat is a creative thinker? They shit outside the box."