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Joke of the Day

"My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere."

"Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman A good example: ""I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!"""

"When is the Quran accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance."

"A pair of mittens says to a hat, ""I'll stay here, you go on a head"""

"For all you Engineers out there; A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: ""What do you want?"" The beam replies: ""Oh, just give me a moment."""

"Why would you wrap masking tape around a 3 day old baby? So it doesn't burst when you fuck it."

"*goes in bank with finger guns* This is a robbery! ""no one'll take you seriously-"" *switches to double barrel finger guns* ""do what he says"""

"I really need to watch my language... You know what they say, swearing is the grammatical crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

"Why is imgur down? It was over *cat*pacity."

"How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the F out of safe, and the F out of way."