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Joke of the Day

"Friendly like talking"

"Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction."

"Don't text and drive. Just pull over until you're done using your phone. That's what I do. I've been on the side of the road since 2011."

"I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits."

"*goes to grocery store *puts ""gently used"" sticker on all their cucumbers"

"If you spin an Asian person around, what do they become? Disoriented."

"To be honest, I'm not going to be completely happy until Facebook implements a 'I Wish You Were Dead' button."

"I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like ""core competency"" or ""design out the problem"" or ""I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today"""

"An app like Tinder that can find me episodes of Law & Order SVU I haven't seen."

"Bodyguard Idea: Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you."