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Joke of the Day

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they fly over my head."

"I can only imagine the sorts of crazy, sexy pictures of coffee that people are hiding in those ""private"" instagram accounts."

"What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand? A trillionaire."

"ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"Two rules for success 1. Never reveal everything you know"

"Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?"

"I hope I'm never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit."

"want to hear a joke about pizza? nevermind... it's too cheesy"

"A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin"

"What does the Indian chef do in his spare time? It's naan of your business!!!"