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Joke of the Day

"We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night."

"What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea? Oz Moses."

"Teacher: Alright! Is everyone ready for the geography quiz? Student: There's a quiz today?!? I'm not ready! Teacher: Well, how much of the textbook have you read? Student: Nunavut!"

"[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH"

"It's because you have a penis for a face... Oh, I thought you asked me why no one likes you."

"Shaking hands is so weird: ""Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells."""

"When a Dutch reporter asked Arjen Robben what he was going to do after the world cup, he told him; I'm going diving in Mexico."

"Pretty certain the only way I'd ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden."

"My Lesbian neighbors got me a Timex for my birthday They misunderstood when I said ""I wanna watch."""

"What did the cat use to sharpen its claws? Me. Ow."