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Joke of the Day

"H: What is that you're having for lunch? Me: fruit salad H: That's funny, it looks like a sangria. Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*"

"Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word"

"You attract more men when you smell like butter, sauteed ham and onions than any expensive perfume."

"What do you get for breaking news? Newscasts"

"It takes a second..... Two guys walk into a bar.... you think the second would have noticed. HA."

"Have you heard the joke about the three rats? It was cheesy"

"Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes."

"Who is the strongest thief? A shoplifter."

"Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)"

"Why are birds always sad in the morning? Their bills are over dew"