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Joke of the Day

"I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work."

"Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying."

"Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?"

"I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people."

"Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto."

"Owls The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave."

"""What a nut job"" I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds"

"What sound does a doorbell make in China? ping pong."

"Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions."

"Remember girls, you can't say happiness... without saying penis"