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Joke of the Day

"When toasting the holidays Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a ""Bud."""

"Best place to hide stuff? Page two in Google search results!"

"[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT"

"Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up: Tarzan: ""Who greased the vine?"""

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how immature am I? 69"

"I see your point. You're right. My timing could have been much better. I'm sorry I proposed to you at your father's funeral."

"In Greece how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar."

"How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb.? Three. One to screw it in and the second to take credit for it. And the other to repeat it."

"What is Donald Trump's least favorite Candy? Jelly Beaners"

"Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit."