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Joke of the Day

"""You're on your own, kid."" - A Republican village."

"I saw a sign yesterday that said, ""Have you seen this man?"" with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call. I was bored so I rung them up and said, ""No, I haven't."""

"The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity"

"The contestants on Jeopardy are always asking the stupidest questions. ""What is bronze?"" Read a book, you dummies."

"Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie."

"""I was going to watch a German football team play today, but I couldn't leave the house because I don't know where I left the key."" ""Bayern?"" ""No, I checked the mantelpiece."""

"Girl, You're like the devil. Hot as hell and horny."

"What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a kidney bean on my face."

"CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another? ME: (OK don't blow this) Sure *she hands me her empty glass & leaves*"

"True Story, When I was a kid, my parents would always say ""Excuse my French"" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French."