118672

Joke of the Day

"Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!"

"Codpieces aren't supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change."

"She said she liked bad boys. So I de-alphabetized her DVD's and set fire to her little yippie dogs. Still didn't get laid. Fucking women."

"tip of the day - dont swollow ur spit for like 20 minuts and then u will have a warm drink"

"If someone peed on me during sex, I'd be like, ""Ha! I've read about this!"""

"The United States has such bad luck It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds."

"What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it."

"2 scientists walk into a bar... The first one says ""I'll have some H2O"", the second one says ""I'll have some H2O too"". The bartender looks at them and says ""Are you two idiots talking about water?"""

"the (please) fresh (lead) deli (me) sandwiches (into) at (woods) Walgreens (and) are (shoot) actually (me) pretty (in) good (head)"

"Why is Santa so jolly? ...Because he knows where all the bad girls live!"