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Joke of the Day

"When I'm on my phone & I select, copy, but then I don't paste, I oddly gain a sensation that something then remains glued to my thumb."

"Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline."

"Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who'sbeckystan?"

"The guy who invented the velcro died last week RIP"

"*pushes vending machine over NO YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!"

"Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph."

"""So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?"" [pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs] ...I love to help animals."

"What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion."

"I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat. They found me passed out in the shower four days later."

"Dinner with Jesus Say you have a dinner date with Jesus, in a fine Italian restaurant, what would he order ? Jesus takes the veal !"