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Joke of the Day

"mom: no TV for a week! dad: and after you take a bath you can't use your hands to get out of the tub *sons jaw drops* mom: [whispers] nice"

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"Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working"
"What is the blackest of magics? Negromancy."
"What is Titus Pullo's Sandal Size? THIRTEEN!"
"GF: ""Can I be frank?"" Me: ""Sure, but I'd be more comfortable if you were a woman."""
"What does a trumpet player use as contraception? His personality."
"How do you stop a dog from barking in July? Shoot him in June."
"My wife googled ""when is it safe to leave a child at home alone"" and now she won't let me stay home alone."
"Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%. - It's called wedding cake."
"Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?"