117823

Joke of the Day

"[therapy] ME: *in tears* So anyway, that's why I think she left me PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family"

"Does money shrink when you wash it? No, but it does when you launder it!"

"DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance. DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]"

"Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work because the dog just goes ""Cool, now we're both barking!"""

"My three-year-old daughter said to me, ""You should go back to college to learn more about being nice."""

"A priest and a rabbi are walking and spot a little boy The priest says, ""let's fuck him."" The rabbi says, ""out of what?"""

"I just slapped my phone out of my mom's hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos."

"To some, it's known as ""soda."" Some call it ""pop."" Some even order it as ""coke"" or ""cola."" The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names"

"Optimus Prime: ""I transform from a robot into a truck. You?"" Amazon Prime: ""I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."""

"Every woman should have four pets... A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed...and a Jackass to pay for all of it"