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Joke of the Day

"Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix."

"I was dating a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes I've just found out she's popped her clogs..."

"What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party? I hit that."

"I'm on this new diet where I can eat anything but sugar, bread, meat, fruit, and food"

"What's an Atheist's favorite joke book? The bible. Please don't kill me for this."

"I hate it when people tell me I don't need alcohol to have fun. You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps."

"This guy clicking his pen in Starbucks just got stabbed when I stabbed him."

"I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government"

"Before encouraging everyone to ""do whatever makes you happy,"" ask if anyone is a sadist. Don't encourage the sadists."

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed."