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Joke of the Day

"Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix."

"I can always tell what my present is off Iggy Azelea because she's really bad at wrapping."

"I just bought the best vacuum ever It sucks"

"How do you kill 100 flies in A second? (Dark humor) You slap an Ethiopian in the face."

"If I had a dollar every time someone called me sexist... I'd have enough money to sponsor the repealing of the 19th Amendment."

"I told the insect I knew he used to be part of an elite military unit he was exuberant"

"An ancient Greek walks into a tailors with a torn pair of pants: ""Euripides?"" Asks the tailor. ""Yeah, Eumenides?"" Replies the man."

"""Be there in 5,"" I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor."

"With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?"

"How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn't make it a leg."