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Joke of the Day

"Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin."

"*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* ""Wait. Then that means-"" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]"

"When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.... ... Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"what do you call a French OP a baguette"

"Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my ""funny"" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body..."

"What did terrorists used to call Fidel Castro? Infidel Castro"

"What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theater? You miss most of the film."

"Today is the day when Marty Mcfly was supposed to arrive in the future and we still don't have hoverboards! I bet you that Michael J. Fox is just sitting at home shaking with anger"

"I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30."

"What's the best part of having Miley Cyrus over for thanksgiving dinner? Unlimited twerky"