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Joke of the Day

"I'll do anything to prove I'm not lazy. I'll go the whole three yards."

"I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!"

"[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now"

"Her: See ya later alligator! Me: *slithers into swamp*"

"Happy Mother's Day to moms around the world !!! advanced aprils fools day guys!!!"

"I tried to use the bury a dog above a body trick the graveyard employee didnt let me"

"How do you recycle a condom Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it."

"What does the calm zombie say to the agitated zombie? Decompose yourself."

"~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosisDies ~ Comes back as ghost ... finds keys"

"I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but... ...when I got home all the signs were there"