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Joke of the Day

"My father never hit me. But when I was bad, he would take off his belt... And then he'd take off his pants."

"What is Godzilla's favorite fruit? Squash."

"I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear."

"Someone asked me if I like fish balls. I don't know, I've never attended one."

"What kind of bird flies around bays? Bagles"

"*creating garbage cans* God: ""That's where trash goes"" *creating my twitter* God: ""That's where trash comes from"""

"What was the vegan craving when he got bit by a zombie? GRRRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS"

"Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth."

"Lust. Love. Marriage. LUST: Tearing her panties off. LOVE: Sliding them down, gently. MARRIAGE: Folding them regularly."

"What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after 3 Ho's"