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Joke of the Day

"Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed."

"Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper ""It has to look like an accident"", walk away."

"[house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]"

"My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder. But he's wrong, so fuck him!"

"I'll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes"

"My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy."

"I like my women like I like my coffee From that cheap place down on the corner."

"When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look."

"What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto."

"Worrying over my viagra use Keeps me up most nights"