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Joke of the Day

"Always hit women with a left hook... ...because they don't deserve any rights"

"[taking baby's shoes off & examining the soles] ""Oh look, completely clean. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere."""

"Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently 'hard' 'classic' and 'punk' AREN'T the 3 different types of rock. Who knew."

"It was actually the muslims who invented the C4 explosive... But it was the US:Army who later added a remote detonator."

"YOU CAN'T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES."

"I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry."

"CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps ""Latest Speculative News"" or ""We Really Don't Know Shit"" would work. CNN call me."

"Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay? The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof."

"You know you're getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu ... And it starts going into Roman Numerals."