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Joke of the Day

"I decided to put certified SCUBA diver on my resume. That way they know I can handle intense pressure on the job."

"I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps."

"Two dyslexics run into a bank... and they shout ""Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"""

"Why do you only need one egg in France? Because one egg is un oeuf."

"Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream"

"""This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I'm gonna open up a bottle of red and take a long, hot bath."" - white women"

"Two law students walk into a bar. They both failed."

"How can you tell the difference between a Fleshlight and the porn star it was modeled after? Rubber clit..."

"Being nice to people who don't deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you're not in jail for murder, is nice."

"Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow."