112160

Joke of the Day

"When you have kids, ""sleeping in"" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was."

"Everyone done keeping calm yet?"

"Why is a firetruck red? You'd be red too if you had your hose stretched that far"

"you know how Hitler used to tie his shoes? In little nazis"

"My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son ""one eighth of a byte"" So I said ""Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"""

"What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals."

"What do you call a tin boat? A hydrofoil."

"Risky behavior in my 20s involved sex drugs & alcohol. At 30, ""risky"" is eating spicy food after 9pm and not lifting w/ my knees."

"I renew my ages-old wish that there was a CD of nothing but SNL closing-credits music that you could play to get people to leave your house."

"So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It's like, fine, I'll buy an axe."