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Joke of the Day

"My wife always bitches about me not putting the toilet seat back down So now I just piss in the sink."

"The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth"

"So I got a vasectomy today... Doctor walks in and says: ""you're in good hands, I've altered more balls than Tom Brady"""

"What's the name of Jackie Chan's catholic brother? Chris Chan"

"Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed"

"Please listen closely... Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday."

"If this gets 1000 upvotes, my wife and I will try anal... Please don't, her strap on is huge"

"Tip: if you often say things like ""there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence"" they won't ask you to mentor new coworkers."

"[elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher"

"Autocorrect is like my girlfriend. It always changes what I said to something I didn't mean."