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Joke of the Day

"What was the General's answer... to the President's inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term? ""Tanks, Obama."""

"My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell ""OMG! I'm on my way now!"" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident."

"My wife claims to be very good at yoga... but I think she's just a poser."

"Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught? He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU."

"I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I'm a fan."

"I said to the gym instructor: ""Can you teach me to do the splits?"" He said: ""How flexible are you?"" I said: ""I can't make Tuesdays""."

"Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry. Edit: Nevermind."

"Many ravens are called a congress... Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder. Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?"

"When I have kids I'm going to tearfully serve them scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup & tell them it's Humpty Dumpty."

"I think my roommate might be gay... His dick tastes like shit."