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Joke of the Day

"The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine."

"I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1."

"I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time. Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs."

"Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. ""No screens allowed."" On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. ""This is your mother now."""

"[NSFW] What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat."

"*shots fired in the club over the last slice of pizza*"

"Want to hear a joke? Donald Trump. Oh wait it's not funny anymore."

"If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy."

"Capital Reward Stoners get stoned in Saudi Arabia"

"A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked ""I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."""