110373

Joke of the Day

"Son, do we have any dop Ted? son: what's a ""dop Ted""? dad: you are, you are adopted!! son: ... Nice one dad. dad: I'm not your dad. (Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson)"

"What do you call a squashed Italian? A Nepalitano. Oh yeah - wait a sec - OK - for the low-info crowd here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Napolitano"

"How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)"

"Who is Gary Johnson? I don't Aleppknow"

"How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? It would have been called a teeth brush anywhere else."

"You know what's pretty cool? A cellar :)"

"A 22 year old girl said to me ""there's NO WAY you are 41"" I put her in my pocket and took her home. She's mine now."

"At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's..."

"LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] vengeance grapes"

"[Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ..."