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Joke of the Day

"I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine: My phone. On my dresser. Across the room."

"When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house."

"HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one."

"Job security: calling my boss and posing as a problematic customer so he'll realize he still needs me while I'm on vacation."

"Good news for insomniacs Only 3 more sleeps till Christmas!!"

"Son: ""Mom, Dad... I'm gay"" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: *clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD"

"If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."

"Did you hear about the guy that made a terrible joke? He fainted."

"*jumps from the earth to the moon* PARKOUR"

"Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest."