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Joke of the Day

"Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real."

"The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me."

"If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day."

"In a group friends when you laugh you will always look at the person you like the most... Thats why I always sit next to a mirror."

"I never want to have a threesome, If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents."

"99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code Take one down, patch it around, 126 bugs in the code"

"Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch."

"How do you kill lots of Anzacs in a small amount of time? By telling them to get out of the trench"

"You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe."

"The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it."