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Joke of the Day

"Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining."

"What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving ? A road hog !"

"If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? You're peein'"

"I'm certainly no authority, but if you want to avoid the muffin top you probably shouldn't put size 8 jeans on a size 12 girl."

"Things I'm doing today * going to the gym * having sex * lying"

"the worst part about hitting a child in public... is getting caught by their parents."

"I won't be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other."

"Why are women bad at parking? Because they have a wrong perception of how long 20 centimeters are."

"I met a girl with 12 nipples Which sounds funny, dozen tit?"

"""Don't fret."" -Guitar that apparently doesn't want to be played"