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Joke of the Day

"I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be held against them as they ran for President but now there's Trump so I guess not."

"Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations."

"[at pet store] ""This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?"" ""No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."""

"3 Jews walk into a bar... Just kidding it was a gas chamber"

"A woman steps into a time machine She goes back 10 minutes so she can add less sugar."

"Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan."

"Capital letters. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"Why don't Greek people need sex? The government fucks them everyday!"

"Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: ""Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"""

"There was this group on Facebook called Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat'. So I became a fan."