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Joke of the Day

"Me: We broke up. Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?"

"My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen."

"Always note whether a politician is wearing a lapel pin of a flag, as they are the only way to display patriotism."

"I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying."

"what did the cookie say to the supermodel? I promise not to crumb in your mouth."

"What do you call someone that lives next a horse? Their neighbor"

"Singin' in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin' on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself."

"So, I asked a few former Wall Street employees how they were going to clean their record... ...""Submerse it in water"", they said. The bath-tards."

"I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line."

"What do they say when you leave an abortion clinic in Germany? Al-fetus-zane"