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Joke of the Day

"""Thanks for sending me that 17 second cellphone video from that concert you went to! The audio and video were amazing!"" - said no one, ever"

"Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed."

"What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bail"

"People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL."

"""Did you sleep well?"" ""Like God during the Holocaust."""

"What has 3 heads, 2 legs, and 4 arms? The finish line at the Boston Marathon."

"When I sing with my headphones in I think, ""Why don't I have a record deal?!""...Then I take them out and I know why."

"People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties."

"Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater."

"I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks"