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Joke of the Day

"A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is"

"Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot. [fall down stairs as I leave]"

"Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You're probably on fire!"

"When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders."

"Why did TEN die because he was in the middle of 9/11"

"So Putin and Erdogan walk into a bar. Sorry, a war."

"Just found out you can eat a big turkey dinner whenever you want without having to be thankful. This changes everything."

"ME: Tell me your weaknesses. INTERVIEWER: um I'm interviewing you! M: *writes hostile'* I: What's that say? M: *writes overly suspicious'*"

"What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!"

"[at work] ""Mornin, Margaret."" ""Mornin. You're late today."" [looks at watch] ""Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"""