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Joke of the Day

"[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match] ME: Ok listen up guys [all the other players look at me] ME: Is....is anyone else cold?"

"I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie. Sadly it was erased."

"My problem is I don't like working out in front of people or when I'm alone."

"What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game? First person shooter."

"Yesterday I watched the movie Carrrs. Well, it was just Cars, but I pirated it."

"My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating That's the last time I banged a psychic"

"What is the rudest part of the body? The privates. They're either dicks or cunts."

"Before today, the saddest Brazilians I ever saw... ...were the waiters who got assigned to me at Fogo de Chau #estoygordo"

"His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush."

"What did tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll hang around."