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Joke of the Day

"Hey person who wrote ""WASH ME"" on my car, I know it wasn't my car that wrote that. My car doesn't speak English. I'm onto you."

"What's black and married to my daughter? Nothing because I'm a good parent."

"I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook."

"So I blew positive for alcohol today and got arrested... Positive is my neighbor's dog's name"

"Knock Knock Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin'. they hatin'."

"Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*"

"Why does Reddit have so many reposts? Because you already read-it."

"I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone"

"How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck 'er."

"""We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies."" - Top Secret NSA Memo"