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Joke of the Day

"""Do you want to go out on a date?"" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T ""Why?"" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL"

"Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips. Punchline ends."

"Why should you never play cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs"

"People wonder what my abusive father does after mom left us... Beats me.."

"Have you heard about McDonald's new Hillary Clinton Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it."

"I sometimes love math jokes.... 50% of the time they put me in a positive mood"

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says ""some asshole has my pen"" edit: Original Joke by Jimmy Carr (thanks /u/gacres57)"

"An old man went underwear shopping. ""Boxers or briefs?"" Asked the clerk. ""Depends."""

"I like my women like I like my coffee: All over my lap while I'm driving."

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said Are you going to help?' I said No, six should be enough.'"