101006

Joke of the Day

"Usually when I try to be slick and say ""keep the change,"" the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase"

"Whenever someone tells me they get a ""high"" from running, all I'm thinking is, ""You've obviously never been high before."""

"What do accountants use for birth control? Their personalities."

"My lucky number is 17 so I'm really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I'll have to change my lucky number again."

"[aquaman origin story] *falls out of boat* help! im drowni- oh... no, im good, actually"

"What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business."

"Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it would scare the shit out of the dog."

"*puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don't have a heart Karen ""Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?"" *Im in the bushes giggling*"

"I'm never buying a Labrador... Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair"