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Joke of the Day

"I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember the man in my bed last night and tell my boyfriend."

"3849. Buying picture frame. 3850. Changing batteries in flashlight. 3851. The X-Games. 3852. Scotch tape. (List of most exciting things.)"

"I wouldn't eat food cooked by aliens because they cum in peas!"

"I stopped reading posts about song lyrics because they remind me of somebody that I used to know"

"How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about how grand the old bulb was."

"Cop: You know your license's expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car."

"If farting was a mechanism to flag my territory, I would rule the world."

"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."

"I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person"

"It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in ""Mambo No. 5""."