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Joke of the Day

"I ejaculated into my girlfriend's eye today... But to be fair, she should've seen it coming."

"Whenever I poke my cat in the eye and he gets squinty, I feel bad and poke him in the other eye, so I can pretend he's just really high."

"I noticed my wife was reading a book that was titled ""The Silent Wife"". I immediately asked ""That's fiction, right?"""

"I'm currently between relationships. The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it."

"A man walks into a bar. Ouch."

"Surprisingly, Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs has trouble with women. They all say he has a Mike Rowe penis."

"Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles."

"ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you"

"Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing."

"Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir"