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Joke of the Day

"I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time."

"I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don't play the lottery."

"stewardess Stewardess: ""Would you like some headphones?"" Me: ""How did you know my name was phones?"""

"[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances"

"If zombies attack I'm heading south, most of those people don't have teeth."

"A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats... Prophets are going through the roof."

"Is it true what every girls wants is 9 inches? Cos I'm not chopping 3 inches off for anybody!"

"I've been teaching myself French so that I can seduce my wife Boner Petite, baby!"

"If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD."

"""Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time"" linguists, supposably"