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Joke of the Day

"I got this ""breathe"" tattoo because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder."

"If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily"

"(OC) Wanna know my secret to not catching STD's? I have kleenexes."

"World War II jokes aren't funny... Anne Frank-ly I don't care for them."

"Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me.. Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?"

"I like to think that every time I press the dislike button, Pandora sends an email to the artist. Take that, Beethoven!"

"What's the difference between Reddit CEO Ellen Pao, and Yoko Ono? .....about 40 years."

"I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate."

"How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to invade Poland and one to tell you that jokes aren't funny."

"Overheard a black guy asking the waitress for some crackers, so I stood up and yelled ""THATS OUR WORD!"""