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Joke of the Day

"Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings"

"Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money? In a shavings account."

"Nobody showed up for my Time Traveler-themed New Year's party I guess I shouldn't bother with sending the invitations next week after all."

"What's the difference between Jesus and my dad? Jesus promised to come back one day..."

"Why can't cats survive on Mars, even with spacesuits? Because Curiosity will kill them."

"Asterisks are awesome. *tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*"

"What rhymes and let's you instantly know a redditor is a moron? Purple circle. /r/thebutton"

"I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait."

"At the grocery store. Customer: ""Are these GMO carrots?"" Worker: ""No, why do you ask?"" Carrot: ""Yeah, why do you ask?"""

"What do you call a cheating wife with a runny nose? FULL!!"