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Joke of the Day

"*sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] ""no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"""

"I chose a cell phone carrier for my mom based on high percentages of dropped calls."

"if you can't handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to"

"What do you call fruits that aren't allowed to marry? [OC] Cantaloupes."

"Can antelopes get married? No, they cantaloupe."

"The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. ""Have you ever been x-rayed?"" asked the doctor. ""Nope"" she replied ""But ah've been ultra-violated."""

"Why does Anna's mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others ."

"Doctor: i'd like you to step on the scale. Me: You first, pal."

"Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I'm the iceberg and you're the Titanic. #Queen"

"I'm not saying Ellen Pao is Hitler but.. I haven't seen the two of them in the same room.."