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Joke of the Day

"Just once, I'd like to see a cactus that isn't flexing."

"As a Harry Potter fan, I dream of going to Hogwarts. My friend is a Narnia fan, and he's always wanted to go to Narnia. My other friend is a Hunger Games fan, but he's good."

"Did you hear about the straight white male viscount who ruled with an iron fist over one field? He was an oppressive shitlord."

"Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses."

"[restaurant] Man *proposing to his gf*: ""Will you make me the happiest man alive?"" [me, alone, eating nachos a table over] ""Not possible"""

"What do you call a bra? A boobie trap. Thanks 3rd grade nephew."

"I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y I'll show myself the door."

"Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself. Me: Make up your mind."

"Why don't you sleep with an 90 year old lady..... Have you ever tried to peel a grilled cheese apart?!?"

"In 'One Really Long Metal Claw' (the bear version of 'Hook'), what did Captain Onereallylongmetalclaw really hate? Clawcks."