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Joke of the Day

"[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men"

"So two bassists are sitting at a bar... One leans over to the other and says, ""How are you dealing with not writing any of the songs?"" He responds, ""One note at a time."""

"My 5-year-old daughter hates it when I call her the ""C"" word... cranky. She starts crying, screaming and stomping around. It's at this point I have to tell her: ""Stop acting like a little cunt!"""

"This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck..."

"Are you celebrating Chinese New Year, gurrrl? Cuz I'd like to go home from the baa and ram ewe."

"Q: Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague? A: He was looking for a Czech mate."

"I'm taking part in the Hillsborough triathlon today! Football, squash, and fencing."

"Your momma so fat... Her splash attack does damage"

"Not all fat people are jolly Some of them are women"

"Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity"