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Joke of the Day

"Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono."

"Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans"

"13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood. Me: How abo- 11yo: WEAK WIFI, BUFFERING, BAD DATA PLAN! ..shoot me now."

"What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 avocados? A guacamole."

"Still mourning the horrible death on 12/5/2013 Yesterday, a great man died. His name was Todd Mills, the inventer of the Doritos Locos Taco."

"Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma."

"Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines."

"If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."

"What does picking your nose and masturbating have in common? It feels fuckin awesome but when you get caught its awkward as hell."

"How come you never see elephants hiding up trees? Because they are really good at it."