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Joke of the Day

"If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed."

"Did you hear about the time that shallots, scallions, ramps, and leeks all got together? They tried to onionize."

"Knock-Knock... -Who's there? -Doctor. -Doctor Who? -No, bitch. Doctor House."

"Simba was moving too slow So I told him to Mufasa"

"So I downloaded a drawing program from the PirateBay the other day... ...it was pretty sketchy."

"Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause I'm too lazy to peel it off so I guess no."

"[table of 6 year olds in lab coats] How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we *bangs fist on table* CAN'T EVEN FIND WALDO?!"

"Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms."

"As a kid I'd watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I'm like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set."

"A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel. 32 sailors have been marooned"