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Joke of the Day

"TIL that Harriet Tubman sought a monthly pension of $25 a month for services in the civil war ,but was only awarded $20. 100+ years later we're still only giving her a $20."

"There are only 3 types of people that I hate. Racists, hypocrites and niggers."

"Stupid nanny state won't let me enroll my kids in bartending school."

"How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish."

"Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me three times, show me how you do that"

"Did you hear about the time that /u/poem_for_your_sprog and /u/ShittyJokeExplainBot got into trouble? It was a shticky situation. I'll show myself out."

"Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up?"

"Commitment doesn't mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options."

"Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret."

"[at wedding] Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed? * me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR *pianist vomits*"