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Joke of the Day

"Splinters are woods way of sexual assault They can go deep inside you, and the bigger they are, the more it hurts."

"[narrating a commercial for therapy] ""For a 100 bucks an hour we'll blame your mother."""

"Trying to make my teeth whiter, so I bought them a Subaru."

"How do you kill a hipster? You drown him in the mainstream."

"A homeless man staggers into a bar Plot twist... it was soap. He landed a lucrative job shortly thereafter and started sweeping his problems under the rug like the rest of us."

"Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I've had to do."

"If my iPod doesn't work in the next few minutes, I'm throwing it in the river. It can either sync or swim."

"Son asking father. Why are niggers so black daddy? Well son, whip this one while I think about it."

"Why do people say half a dozen? Why can't they just say Six"

"There are two types of people in this world: 1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once 2)Liars"