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Joke of the Day

"If your idea of a nightcap is passing out drunk on the toilet with a fifth in your hand, we could probably hang out."

"Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping."

"Whats the best thing about doing twenty four year olds? Theres twenty four of them."

"5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup."

"What did the elephant say to the naked man?... How do you eat with that?"

"Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs."

"I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down....."

"Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana."

"Why did the programmer put on his glasses? So he could C#."

"They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody."