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Joke of the Day

"I'm at my most ""penguin"", when I'm walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles."

"*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist's hair behind her ear with my toes*"

"Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location."

"If you met an eel in a top hat... ...that would be Sir Eel. (say it out loud)"

"Don't take it personally if I don't like you. Some of my best friends are people I don't like."

"Have you ever noticed that cigars and scotch taste the same? They both taste like my dad's approval."

"If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?"

"What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1"

"If two vegans don't like each other.. Is it still considered beef?"

"My friend told me that he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I bought him a snickers"